Free Agency Wars – Rescue Princess Kirk


Look, I’m not the biggest Star Wars nerd, but if you’ve been alive for the past 15 years you probably know a little about it since society loves shoving it down our throats. Tons of parodies exist out there already so why did the NFL and Roger Goodell decide to pick this year of all years to have the Redskins play the part of the Tatooine underworld? If you think about it, the NFL and all the sports media surrounding it thrives and makes tons of money off drama, clickbait, and constantly hitting F5 on the ESPN and NFL page at work. I’m guessing they ran out of storylines this offseason so they decided to parody Star Wars. How original, Roger.

I’ll start off with Dan Snyder, or should I say Dan the Hutt. Kyle Shana-Han Solo escapes via the Millennium Atlanta Falcon and is now with his loyal partner in crime John Lynchewbacca. Only problem is they forgot Princess Leia aka Kirk Cousins aka Princess Kirk (I couldn’t think of anything clever). Princess Kirk is basically miserable and Dan the Hutt has him bikini clad and chained on a leash like a dog with the franchise tag.

Star Wars analogy aside, I speak for the 49ers and the NFC east when I say that Dan Snyder needs to let go of Kirk Cousins. The crown/belt for worst owner in sports quickly changed hands from James Dolan to Vivek Ranadive and now Danny Dan is pretty determined to keep it. Take the 49ers draft picks, because next year you are getting nothing for him. Do this for the greater good because we need him as a key piece on our mission to destroy Sith Belichick and the evil empire of no days off.

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